How Many Hats Can One Creative Professional Wear? – A Study
In today’s highly competitive marketplace, many creative professionals tout their ability to wear multiple hats. This multi-faceted approach emphasizes their versatility and broadens both the variety of roles they’ll be considered for, and the utility they can offer a potential employer.
But this is also a dangerous game–you don’t want to spread your scalp too thin, so to speak. Failure means looking inept in the eyes of your peers, the second worst kind of embarrassment next to unplanned flatulence.
The Creative Party strives to tackle these workplace dilemmas with science. “If you don’t do your research, how do you know what the hell you’re going to do?” Steve Potestio said once.
So we built an experiment and set out to answer the question once and for all: how many hats can one creative professional wear?
The Hats
A broad swathe of headwear to encompass the variety of tasks facing today’s creative professional.
We wanted this study to have implications for even the most seasoned UI+UX Web and Mobile Art Director/Office Manager.
Ballcaps, fedoras, beanies and straw hats were all included in our selection.
Hat #1: black and white skullcap
Our experiment begins with a control–a simple skullcap. This hat is form-fitting and won’t clash with your outfit. It also provides 97.62% scalp coverage while achieving a remarkable wobble factor of just 0.16 degrees.
Our subject reported zero pain or embarrassment.
Hat #2: New York Knicks ballcap
Our second sample adds the risk of a front-facing brim, increasing the wobble factor to 4.96 degrees all by itself.
While scalp coverage remained nominal, our subject reported a sharp rise in embarrassment due to the fact that the Knicks are a terrible basketball team.
Hat #3: olive ranger cap
While the subject did begin to complain that he felt ridiculous, the ranger cap increased his professional appeal to birds of prey, small deer and other woodland creatures.
Additionally, it made him a good candidate for openings at state parks.
Hat #4: mesh visor
Extremely low in weight, the mesh visor only increased wobble factor by 1.27 degrees.
At this point, the hats actually began to fuse to the subject’s scalp at a subatomic level, which was totally science-y and awesome, although it filled the room with the smell of split pea soup.
Hat #5: soft, fancy-pancy hat with a tasteful button accent
The hats thus far provided the subject a decidedly casual demeanor, necessitating the addition of a soft, fancy-pancy hat with a tasteful button accent.
The subject reported feeling significantly fancier, broadening his appeal among upscale corporate clients.
Hat #6: straw fedora
Another well-balanced hat decreased wobble factor by 0.81 degrees, but the subject began to exhibit embarrassment above the acceptable threshold.
“I feel like a damn fool,” he said at one point, just before flashing perfect jazz hands.
Hat #7: wool knit cap
With the addition of a seventh hat, the subject’s psychological well-being began to break down. “What are hats even for?” he asked quietly, his voice straining under the weight of seven hats.
We consoled the subject by pointing out that the wool knit cap would keep his scalp warm and moisturized throughout the rest of the experiment.
Hat #8: BRONX snapback
With the subject’s confidence fading, we added a certifiably-fly BRONX snapback, allowing him to represent, at the cost of increased wobble factor. Unfortunately, the subject remained nonplussed.
“Are you making fun of me?” he asked multiple times, while we took notes.
Hat #9: brown knit cap
The Creative Party’s crack team of scientists decided to double down on scalp warmth with an additional knit cap.
“I feel warm and toasty in my skull area,” the subject commented, as we compared his body temperature to that of a control subject who wasn’t wearing any hats, because she was a mallard duck.
Hat #10: Pelican Hill golf cap
With wobble factor spiraling out of control, we decided to class it up while we still could with the addition of a Pelican Hill golf cap.
“When this is over I’m going to kick your ass,” the subject complained. Thankfully, he was unable to move under the overburdening weight of ten hats.
Hat #11: classy black fedora
We stacked class on top of class, but began to notice that a 16.37 degree wobble factor was posing a serious threat to structural integrity.
Observing these figures, the duck began quacking wildly and waddling around The Creative Party laboratory in a panic.
Hat #12: plain gray cap
In an attempt to placate the duck and the subject, we added a calming gray cap.
While the subject regained some confidence, thanks to a now totally extreme level of professional versatility, the duck descended into a homicidal rage, pecking our wobble factor assistant in the shins, rendering further measurements impossible.
Hat #13: colorful woolen cap with puffy ball adornment
With the addition of a thirteenth hat, the subject fell asleep, unable to cope with the stifling weight and scalp warmth. His slumber was only broken when the panicked duck accidentally knocked over a beaker of liquid plutonium, spilling it all over the toaster oven. This opened an trans-dimensional gateway, into which it waddled, quacking.
Hat #14: big logo Yankees cap
Seconds later, the duck emerged from the trans-dimensional gateway born anew–her eyes burned red and her feathers seemed to glisten.
“I AM GILGAMESH, RETURNED FROM THE REALM OF SPIRITS TO RULE OVER THE WORLD OF MEN!” We cowered in fear, bowing before our new, beaked overlord.
Hat #15: straw farmer’s hat
Dedicated to the experiment ‘til the bitter end, we added a straw farmer’s hat to the subject’s head. The stack’s collapse was clearly imminent.
“FOOLISH HUMANS, END YOUR GAMES!” the duck quacked, sending a gust of psionic wind towards the subject, and knocking all but the original skullcap off his head.
Results
So there you have it: creative professionals can wear no more than 15 hats.
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